I really need a #win right now..

31Jul11

It’s been so dark lately. I know few would understand, many won’t care to know, some might scoff. But, I’m going through what I think is the toughest time of my life right now. I can see how from an outsider’s point of view, I might just sound ungrateful, crazy even. But my heart is just plagued with this dark cloud. My every step feels heavy. My actions feel just, wrong. And the worst part about it all is I think that it’s beginning to affect the people around me. And given that not many people are actually around me, the effect is just compounded, and I’m left gasping for air climbing out of quicksand.

To not gain your heart’s desire is tragic, but believe you me, to not know what your heart desires, is just pure torturous. I envy people who know what they want and just go out, risking everything, to get it. They might face hardship, failures and heartbreak, but every disappointment is justified by the goal and the determination to achieve that goal. Now, many would look at me and say, you’re privileged enough to have choices, you’re bright, you have prospects- what’s there to worry about, right? Wrong. Every second of the day, uncertainty consumes me, and I’m left to doubt every decision I make, every choice, every opinion, every action.

“IT’S NORMAL”. People would say. Not everyone knows what they want. People figure it out along the way. Some people still haven’t, but they live their lives. Well, that’s not good enough. I truly don’t care what other people go through at this point. I expect more from myself, and I should. I expect my heart to find the strength to decide, and my head to be steadfast and determined. But alas, it’s not. It’s not, and every fibre of my being is disappointed, defeated.

This is truly, what I feel, every single day. At the root of every thought, at the back of every smile. Defeated, before I’ve even begun.

Like I said, I just really, truly, need a win right now.

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Bright Lights

09Jul11

What do you do when the world comes crashing down? When you find out you’re not as good a person that you think you are or you try to be? When you find that you’re hurting the one you love the most?

It sucks, but you have no option but to suck it up and move on. Be a better person, that never goes to waste. What is the value of pride and ego?

But it will still hurt yes. You see, it doesn’t matter what other people think of me. What YOU think of me does, and if that’s what you think of me, there’s no hope in the world for anyone else to consider me a good person. And that’s the part that hurts.

I’ll go back to trying to get some sleep now. Good night.

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Time

04Jun11

Does anyone blog anymore? Micro-blogging, status updates and tumblr don’t count!!!!

I wish I was as eloquent as I at least think I once was. Have a lot to say, but to put it in writing is increasingly becoming a chore. Honestly, the only reason I’m writing now is cause I’m out of my mind bored and there happens to be a WordPress app on my phone. Sad but true fact.

Anyway, I’m in Penang for a few days. Spending time with the family, unwinding. Which also has given me room to think quite a bit..

While I absolutely love spending time with family, and distance can
be healthy, being away from Meor Alif for a few days makes me realize how much I truly love being with him. Not just him, but being with him. And don’t get me wrong, I’m hardly the mushy must be with each other 24/7 to be complete kind of person. And it’s not like I can’t function without him. And I do enjoy being with my family immensely.

But he’s genuinely my best friend and we truly enjoy each other’s company. And its not like we’re constantly doing couple-y stuff all the time. We have our fun but we also do chores, we do mundane things most of the time, sometimes we just sit around doing nothing. But if you ask me, a good indicator of how close you are with someone is when you can be perfectly comfortable in silence. When it’s truly just being in each other’s presence.

I guess what I’m alluding to is that…

I miss you Meor Alif. My partner in crime, other half and bestest friend. If this is what it’ll be like when you’re off doing your masters, we should kick off that joint blog soon!!

On a separate note, Penang Char Kuay Teow. Oh yeah, you know what I’m talking about..

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Holy Moley

05May11

Just did a quick run down old posts and.. this place is freakin boring. And super-dreary. Was I really all that whiny? GOD. If you have, thanks for sticking with me. *clink glass* To newer beginnings.

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Futurama

05May11

Wow. I really haven’t written in awhile, which probably means all of two things 1) I have actually matured and learnt to express my innermost thoughts and convey them via actual human interaction; or 2) I’ve kept everything bottled up so tightly this is just me popping the fragile bubble that is my bank of emotions.

Eitherway, it’s brought me here today.

There’s just too much that’s happened there’s no way I can fill in the gaps, so I’ll just pick up from today, and ignore you if you haven’t kept up real-time. Really.

So, my long (2 plus weeks isn’t all that long) dreaded moment of having to face the fact that I must once and for all avoid avoiding the question of “What next!?” has finally come. Sure, everybody deserves a break, and I sure have time to figure it all out, but I no longer have the excuse of waiting for final results. Which got me to thinking, maybe I should just draw myself a vague outline of what I at least think I want.

Of which, I did. I think. Knowing myself, I might just change my mind in two minutes.

But you know what, I just don’t feel like sharing my epiphany just yet. I’ll just keep you guys in the dark for now, if you even care.

At least I started writing, no? Maybe next on my joint blog- idea Meor Alif has been pitching.

The end.

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4th January 2001

07Jan11

10 years ago today, we were just a bunch of awkward pre-teens entering a new and foreign chapter in our lives. Whatever our emotions were that day, crazy excited, extremely reluctant, loathing, tentative, curious, what have you, one thing all of us had in common, we would soon find out that the next 5 years would be a crazy roller-coaster ride of adventures, emotions, memories and a shared bond that other people would just scoff at, cause they’d never understand.

If you ask me, and I’ve asked myself this very question countless times since we’ve left school, what my favourite memory or most memorable moment was, the answer would change every time. How could I choose? Every passing year had its fair share of incredible stories. One day, it would be about the big things, like the EDs and the BMDs and the big exams and the trips we had – Colmar/Genting French trip in F2 (i just found pictures!), KOMSAS camp, who could forget BTN!!!!! Ask me another time, I’d probably say something mundane like walking back to the dorms after prep, sleeping the afternoon away on a Saturdays, band practice, skipping Jemaah prayers, ONE TREE HILL nights!

High school can be rough for most people. Those were the years when you’re struggling with bad skin, growing up/out, raging hormones (LOL) and just general self-discovery and fitting in isn’t the easiest to do at that age. I wasn’t the prettiest, friendliest, or the loudest (in this batch of crazy ladies, some are just hard to top), or the most clever, or the naughtiest. I didn’t think I was anything special. But that’s why I feel extremely blessed to have been given the opportunity to a part of you, this batch, this group of friends. It didn’t really matter. Sure, we all had our differences, our fair share of fights, the normal tales of jealousy, rivalry and misunderstandings. But it didn’t really matter when we more than just friends, we were sisters. Some days, I look back and think how weird some things were. Like why were we so scared of our seniors when the worst that they could do is scream at us and ‘not like’ us (seems a pretty small deal, if you ask me today). Why did the wardens make such a big deal of EVERYTHING when we were angels compared to the things that people do at that age. Why were we so tired all the time, all those times we would doze off during prep. Why was batch spirit such a huge deal?Why was it considered so wild to climb up the rooftop? But all these weird things, in hindsight, make for some pretty funny memories I suppose. Of seniors going crazy, wardens going crazy, Fansu’ going crazy

I’m not going to kid myself by saying that we’re all still friends exactly like we used to be. Cause the truth is, we’re just not. Time and distance changes things. We eventually lose touch, see each other less, spend less time with each other. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that our friendships mean anything less if we’re not friends exactly like we used to be or that I don’t want it to be. It’s just part of growing up. But to me, no matter how old or busy I get, no matter how many gatherings I miss, it doesn’t change that part of me that used to be, that part of us that used to be.

So on days like today, we celebrate the milestones of our friendship and we think back of those days we used to spend together, day in day out (minus school holidays and outing weekends ) and go back to that place in our hearts that holds all these memories, be they locked up tight or worn on our sleeves. We may be different people now, but once upon a time, we were a bunch of awkward teenagers going through life together, day in day out, and nothing, not time, not distance, not new boyfriends, new husbands, new jobs or new lives can really change that.

Yes, this post is sappy. Yes, it’s very unlike me. But what the heck? 10 years of friendship is worth some emotion. Here’s to 10 more!

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if you seek amy!

31Jul10

http://khalidahnazihah.tumblr.com

more and more ways to expose ourselves to stalkers, weirdos and pervs out there.. and yet we indulge..

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in that mood…

30Jul10

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familiar..

08Jun10

“Hello?” he says. “Room 301, please. Michael Ellis. Thanks. I guess I’ll just have to fly out and see him in Washington,” he adds to me in deadpan tones. “Or wait until the next time he and his associates are all together in Britain. Which could be a while, bearing in mind their completely crazy schedules. Still, it’s only business, after all. Only a deal. It’s only the deal I’ve been wanting to make for . . .”

“Oh . . . stop it!” I say furiously. “Stop it. Have your stupid meeting.”

“Are you sure?” says Luke, putting a hand over the receiver. “Absolutely sure?”

“Quite sure,” I say, giving a morose shrug. “If it’s that important . . .”

“It’s pretty important,” says Luke, and meets my eyes, suddenly serious. “Believe me, I wouldn’t be doing it otherwise.”

I walk slowly back to the car as Luke puts away his mobile phone.

“Thanks, Becky,” he says as I get in. “I mean it.” He touches my cheek gently, then reaches for the keys and starts up the engine.

As we drive off toward a set of traffic lights, I glance at him, and then at his mobile phone, still sticking out of his pocket.

“Were you really phoning your business contact?” I say.

“Were you really going home?” he replies, without moving his head.

This is what’s so annoying about going out with Luke. You can’t get away with anything.

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bliss

08Jun10

“I overheard you talking to Jess,” I mumble. “When she was staying with us. I heard you say … it was difficult to live with me.”

“It is difficult to live with you,” says Luke matter-of-factly. I blink at him, my throat a little tight. “It’s also enriching. It’s exciting. It’s fun. It’s the only thing I want to do. If it were easy… it would be boring.” He touches my cheek. “Life with you is an adventure, Becky.”

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