yesterday’s misery

10Feb08

it’s just one of those nights. when you can’t sleep, and your thoughts wander to fond memories which inevitably make you sad. yep, one of THOSE nights.

not too long ago, i go to sleep at night with the thought that all the people (barring family) that i would want to have near me in this world are literally here (i hear a possible scoff at this idea). right around me. well, at least within a 100m radius. that if i feel sad and need someone to bother in the middle of the night and talk to, who would tolerate being waken up, are well within reach. and that i did, too. i cant count the nights i actually went walking across the creepy courtyards and badminton courts in search of companionship, in a totally clean non-lesbian non-sexual way, okay. and well, they were always there.

BR1, DR2 (with a frequent DR4 occupant), Mata, Jasmine, FR and the many lounges reminds me of many friendly faces in 2005. and those are the ones i can actually remember.

shit, i hate reminiscing this way. it all sounds so corny.

don’t get me wrong, i still i have friends, and BOYfriend, i can bother in the middle of the night, most of the old friends too, albeit through SMSes (with no guarantee of a reply) or calls (with no guarantee of a pickup, either), but it’s still different. not bad or worse, just different.

thank God i salvage keepsakes. it serves as great pick-me-ups when you need a reminder that you are, or were, loved.
how lame does that sound?

belle sends me belated birthday cards practically every year. i dont mind much, she never fails to remember. that’s more than i can say for myself. the last time i got a lot of cards was in form 3. went downhill from there. i looked like a dork in braces, still do without. we won ED for two years straight, best script when we were in form 2. pudds sent me a sorta i-miss-you card post spm, of which i bought a card to reply but never posted it. when everyone else was performing for sports day and orchest in form3, i was left out. tough. in form 2, those of us who took french went for a trip to colmar, me, hanaa and shida were unreasonably scolded and we sulked through most of it together, unnoticed. in form 3, yellow house’s sports day theme was thai and we copied thai writing from a maggi packet. we (well, the house) won every year i was there since form 2. i never got a 3 during standard taking being the weakling that i am and will probably always be (athletically). anat, pann and i had a midnight chat in br1 about leaving school and how we would want to retain our friendships and how we were confident we would, this one time. it was one of those nights i couldn’t sleep. “vingt quatre sur vingt quatre, although maybe tak sempat”, anat wrote in a PNG good luck note, one of the very few she would write to me. aterq took care of me in the sickbay when i was sick in form 4 during ramadhan. i was REALLY sick, and ayna didn’t come visit me cause we were fighting, although not directly, over a few things. meanie! hahaha. seems pretty insignificant now. i fought with farahaz every single day over the speed of the fan.

i could really keep on going but well, in a nutshell, that’s the past.

of course i’ve moved on and gotten over what i should and kept in my heart what i also should. do i wish we are all friends like we were? of course. do i regret growing up, and losing some friends, both literally and figuratively (by virtue of distance and time) while retaining others? not really.

don’t get me wrong. it’s just that if i do, i’ll only be always as sad as i am tonight.

things are different, it would only be easier if we all accept that it is. it won’t necessarily be a bad thing. we’ll appreciate reunions more. the time we get to spend with each other more. and those times will come.

as to retaining friendship, yes, retain as much as you can, and put in as much effort as you can doing it. but that won’t stop things from changing. we just have to accept it, keep trying, but still move on.

*exhales*

well, that’s that.

now i wish pudds would reply to my SMSes. she’s probably asleep it IS 4am after all, and there would be no reason to stay up for no reason til this unreasonable hour nowadays.

good night.
 

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