I really need a #win right now..

31Jul11

It’s been so dark lately. I know few would understand, many won’t care to know, some might scoff. But, I’m going through what I think is the toughest time of my life right now. I can see how from an outsider’s point of view, I might just sound ungrateful, crazy even. But my heart is just plagued with this dark cloud. My every step feels heavy. My actions feel just, wrong. And the worst part about it all is I think that it’s beginning to affect the people around me. And given that not many people are actually around me, the effect is just compounded, and I’m left gasping for air climbing out of quicksand.

To not gain your heart’s desire is tragic, but believe you me, to not know what your heart desires, is just pure torturous. I envy people who know what they want and just go out, risking everything, to get it. They might face hardship, failures and heartbreak, but every disappointment is justified by the goal and the determination to achieve that goal. Now, many would look at me and say, you’re privileged enough to have choices, you’re bright, you have prospects- what’s there to worry about, right? Wrong. Every second of the day, uncertainty consumes me, and I’m left to doubt every decision I make, every choice, every opinion, every action.

“IT’S NORMAL”. People would say. Not everyone knows what they want. People figure it out along the way. Some people still haven’t, but they live their lives. Well, that’s not good enough. I truly don’t care what other people go through at this point. I expect more from myself, and I should. I expect my heart to find the strength to decide, and my head to be steadfast and determined. But alas, it’s not. It’s not, and every fibre of my being is disappointed, defeated.

This is truly, what I feel, every single day. At the root of every thought, at the back of every smile. Defeated, before I’ve even begun.

Like I said, I just really, truly, need a win right now.

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